Wednesday, August 24, 2016


Don't apologize. Don't say sorry, not because you aren't, but because you might not deserve forgiveness of any sort. Don't say it just to make yourself feel better.

It's not right to just pop up out of nowhere and say "I'm sorry for everything that I've done". It's not right to dig up memories that someone else painstakingly buried just to get a peace of mind for yourself. It's not alright to say "Hey I thought of you when I heard this song" after disappearing for months. It's not okay to say "I hope you're doing fine" or "I'm happy you're well" without any context.

Don't unearth things that should be left untouched. Don't even brush against scars.

Monday, August 22, 2016


It felt odd seeing two candles on a birthday cake that was supposedly mine. For a moment it didn't feel like it was mine, before it registered in my mind that yes, I am twenty. I have everything I could ever ask for and more, and I for that I am so thankful. 

I get afraid when I'm so happy and when life is this blissful, but for now I am just happy and content. 

Monday, August 15, 2016

ipoh adventures pt II

I was really, really hoping we wouldn't get nabbed because the streets were quiet and the shops were closed and the only souls in sight were several office-wear-clad folks whom I presumed just got off work at the banks. 

Siu Ching wants to be the first concubine because then, she can have flowers and color and pretty things.

We spent a good half hour taking photos at this charming shop front.

Can't decide which I'm worse at: being in front of the camera, or behind it.
First wife: no flowers, peeling paint, faded miserly lanterns.

Third wife/second concubine: no flowers, decent paintwork, torn umbrellas.
Siu Ching has her priorities right.

Friday, August 05, 2016


As I am typing this, I am tucked comfortably in my bed with a set of fresh sheets. I helped mom change them this afternoon. My pillow case smells like freshly done laundry, and I can barely stop sniffing it.

It is rather unsettling to think that this will be the last time I'll be enjoying fresh bed sheets in my room, at home, at least till next year. Perhaps it sounds silly. But once it turned August, I kept seeing the mundane things in my everyday life as luxuries I won't have anymore in a month's time. I won't have people who unconditionally love me just a room away; Bandit just outside the door, waiting to be petted and let into the house on a hot day; distilled water to drink; family and friends just a phone call or drive away. Suddenly, leaving everything I've known for the whole of my life doesn't seem so appealing anymore.

That doesn't mean I'm regretting though. At least, not the decision to kick myself out of my comfort zone and leave home. Regrets are aplenty in another department.

I wonder if I'll be able to call it home. For the whole 1.5 years that I had spent in a hostel, never once did I refer to it as my 'home'. I couldn't, simply because it wasn't home and didn't feel like anything remotely close to home to me. I always looked forward to Fridays, when I could finally go home and collapse into my bed at 5pm till the next morning. It always felt safe, and sleep always came much easier.

I don't know how I'm going to do this. I can't just make a phone call and have someone pick me from my dorm and bring me home for a night on a bad day. Not that I ever did, but you know, paranoia. I'll have to say good night when the sun has barely rose for a couple of hours where I am. I'll have to learn how to survive alone, which I used to think I was great at, but later found out that I suck at it.

This process seems inevitable though, given the extremely sensitive and sentimental being I am. Well, I guess this is another time where I'll say, "Many others survived, so will I."

Wednesday, August 03, 2016


leo is courage and love and generosity. leo is the sun, and rules the heart; they are emotional and warm and need attention and affection. they give back the love they receive with surprising intensity. but they are still lions: kings of the jungle, big lazy golden cats with magnificent hair and a playful spirit. leo is sunflowers, a sunny afternoon, vibrant laughter and brilliant smiles. but they are also very dramatic and have mean claws they will not be afraid to use.

I am everything, yet nothing like a Leo. How is this possible? I feel like a walking, living paradox.