Monday, November 13, 2017

because you're the only one who'll be reading this

I love you. I love you so much more than what I thought I was capable of. And I mean it with all my heart, every night (there), every night (here), and at the end of every phone call.

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

you, us

countless moments i never want to forget
holding your hand for the first time
holding hands for the nth time
meeting after a year
meeting on a weekday
hot afternoons
hotter korean food
serendipity
goddamn fengshui
going new places with you
going old places with you
every date
every car ride
every moment i have you by my side, in awe of us, of being able to call you mine

Thursday, April 13, 2017

a constant

I know what kind of a person I am.

It stung when my professor told me that perhaps I should drop the math class if it was too hard for me. I hid in the restroom for a bit, trying to gather my thoughts, trying to gather myself. 

I thought it was dead set how I couldn't get an A for Economics. But I did, was momentarily happy, and then realized (thought) it wasn't anything anyway.

I thought I'd messed up my Health Psych finals. But I didn't, got an A+ instead, and was momentarily happy again. Then I realized (thought) it wasn't anything anyway.

I thought I was doing well in life, progressing and working on myself as best as I could. But I realized that perhaps I wasn't being the best person I could to the people at home who love me.

I thought I was being the person I want myself to be. Then I realize that I'm not being considerate enough or cautious enough with my words. And then I realize that maybe I'm being too clingy and needy. Aren't I able to survive well on my own?

I know. I know too well that I don't acknowledge myself, and don't give myself credit where it's due, sometimes. I know that there will always be words I want to retract from today, when I reflect on the day; I know this will be true for every today there is to come.

I think being incredibly observant and self-aware is both a blessing, and a curse. I started almost every paragraph with "I". Am I being too full of myself? I always wonder what it would be like to live at peace with myself and my mind.

purpose

There are things I wish I could just dig up from underneath my skin and burn to ashes. There are things I wish I could summon from within myself, half-formed dreams and aspirations I wish I could sharpen. There are things I wish I owned. There are things I wish I wouldn't covet. There are things I wish I hadn't let go of. There are things I wish I'd gotten rid of sooner.

There are things swimming in my mind, numerous, but nothing ever really drowns nor does anything reach the surface and gasp for air. Something. I just need a purpose.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

free writing

cover my lips with yours
peel the layers off
run your fingers through my hair
clinking teeth
breathe whispers into my skin
litter constellations of kisses as you go
leave marks so i'll never be able to rinse you off

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

osaka

I was casually flipping through the pages of my 2016 diary, when one of the pages caught my eye. On the 23rd of March, I'd started and entry with:

"You're like family to me. You're family."

I can remember exactly who said it, and why she did. And I am reminded of why I write.