Thursday, April 13, 2017

a constant

I know what kind of a person I am.

It stung when my professor told me that perhaps I should drop the math class if it was too hard for me. I hid in the restroom for a bit, trying to gather my thoughts, trying to gather myself. 

I thought it was dead set how I couldn't get an A for Economics. But I did, was momentarily happy, and then realized (thought) it wasn't anything anyway.

I thought I'd messed up my Health Psych finals. But I didn't, got an A+ instead, and was momentarily happy again. Then I realized (thought) it wasn't anything anyway.

I thought I was doing well in life, progressing and working on myself as best as I could. But I realized that perhaps I wasn't being the best person I could to the people at home who love me.

I thought I was being the person I want myself to be. Then I realize that I'm not being considerate enough or cautious enough with my words. And then I realize that maybe I'm being too clingy and needy. Aren't I able to survive well on my own?

I know. I know too well that I don't acknowledge myself, and don't give myself credit where it's due, sometimes. I know that there will always be words I want to retract from today, when I reflect on the day; I know this will be true for every today there is to come.

I think being incredibly observant and self-aware is both a blessing, and a curse. I started almost every paragraph with "I". Am I being too full of myself? I always wonder what it would be like to live at peace with myself and my mind.

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